Epic Sexting Failures
by PhoenixDiamond
Summary: Sexting is harder then it looks. Grimmjow and Ichigo have learned this the hard way.
1. Turning Me On

**Title: **Epic Sexting Failures

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Bleach characters.

**Pairing: **GrimmjowxIchigo**. **

**Warnings: **Somewhat crackish humor.

**Rating: **M based mostly on the excessive dirty language.

**Summary:** Sexting is harder then it looks. Grimmjow and Ichigo have learned this the hard way.

**Author's Notes: **I swear this is the last story I'll post to everyone who follows me. I couldn't resist. It's based on true experiences and some you've all probably read on Facebook. I guesstimate this to be 10-15 small chapters. Maybe.

Ichigo = Ichigo

_Grimmjow = Grimmjow_

* * *

**Turning Me On**

* * *

Oh, George you turn me on so much. All I think about is how you licked my thighs last night and sucked the cum from my fingers. You make me feel so damn hot. Baby, I just made myself horny imagining your sexy face between my legs, sucking my dick and kissing all over my ass. I need you so bad, George. Can you come over tonight?

_Who da fuck is George?_

What? Oh FUCK shit! Grimmjow, I meant Grimmjow!

_Who. Da. Fuck. Is. George?! _

Babe that was the AUTOCORRECT! I swear!

_You said dat shit TWICE!_

Is it my fault your name doesn't exist?

Grimm? Grimm? Come on, omg it was AUTOCORRECT I SWEAR! I love you!

You're the only one who turns me on . . .

* * *

**TBC: Anyone interested in more?**


	2. Sick Bastard

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Bleach characters.

**Author's Notes: **Well. . . well damn lol. I hope you guys continue to enjoy this because I know I am. Thanks so much!

Ichigo = Ichigo

_Grimmjow = Grimmjow_

* * *

**Sick Bastard**

* * *

=( You still mad at me babes?

. . .

Grimm come on, I told you I was sorry. What more you want me to do?

. . .

You don't love me anymore? =.(

_. . . Yeah, I still love ya, stupid ass. Why ya'd have to call me George? That hurt my feelings._

I'm sorry, really. If there is a George out there he wouldn't be able to love or fuck me as good as you. I hate when you're mad at me. You gonna let me make it up to you?

_How ya gonna do dat?_

Ohhhh I can think of a few ways.

_Nah, I want cha' to tell me._

I can do that. Where are you?

_I'm in the lunchroom chillin'. Make me feel good. Tell me what cha' got on._

Nothing but your white t-shirt and a smile. Its cold. I wish you could make me warm.

_I wish I could too. I'll make you feel all hot and shit. How you want me to do it? Tell me._

With your hands. Your lips. Your bites. I love the way you run your hands across my chest and pinch my nipples when you're kissing my neck.

_I like how you purr for me when I do too. I like to suck 'em like lollipops and tease the shit outta you._ _Ya gonna let me smack dat ass when I get home?_

However you wanna do it, baby.

_Shit, when I get home I will. I wanna see that ass up and ready for me in bed, covered in baby oil._

So you gonna stick that big dick inside me? It'll be hot and ready for you.

_That's what I wanna hear. I wanna see your mother suckin' this dick like its goin' outta business too._

. . .

. . .

. . .

_Ichigo?_

. . .

_Ichigo? Babe ya good?_

You are such a fuckin' jerk!

_? ? ? The fuck you talkin' about? ? ? _

My mother? For real you sick fuck?! Are you tryin' to get back at me or something? That shit isn't cool, G! Even for you that's fuckin' low!

_Hold up? _~reads through messages~_ Oh shit! Ichigo I swear to god I thought I put MOUTH! That was supposed to be mouth! Why da fuck would I disrespect your mother like that?_

What the fuck were you thinking about when you wrote that?

_I was thinkin' 'bout your mouth, not hers!_

Bullshit!

_Ichigo, I'm for real!_

_. . ._

_Ichigo?_

_. . ._

_Ichigo? Ah, shit. . . :(_

. . . Couch.

_Huh? Couch? Da fuq? Is that a typo?_

No, dumbass it says couch! I can spell! Go dream about my mother bucking on your dick downstairs, you-you nasty, MILF lovin' animal!

_Ichigo! Don't do dat to me baby! I said I was sorry!_

. . .Couch.

_Ichigo!_

. . . Couch.

_Baby. . ._

. . . Backyard

_Shit, better stop while I'm ahead then._


	3. Literally Sexy

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Bleach characters.

**Author's Notes: **Enjoy the next chapter guys!

Ichigo = Ichigo

_Grimmjow = Grimmjow_

* * *

**Literally Sexy**

* * *

_Ichigo come on baby, damn. Its been three days. I know you ain't still mad are ya? _

_. . . ._

_Look if I can forgive you for callin' me another man's name, you can overlook dis. _

_. . . ._

_I wanna come to bed. Dis couch is hurtin' my back and I know you're lonely in there without dis dick. _

_. . . ._

_Fifty shades of grey can only satisfy you for so long._

_. . . ._

_Why are you ignorin' me? I know you're up cuz I hear Rihanna playin'._

_. . . ._

_I miss you. _

_. . . ._

_=( Can I get some kind of stimulation den? I'm horny. _

_. . . ._

_Can I lick your balls?_

_. . . ._

_Taste your lips?_

_. . . . _

_How's 'bout your ass? Ya know how much I enjoy kissing it 'til ya call my name. _

_. . . ._

_Remember the last time I sucked your toes? You couldn't stop squirmin' and blushin'. It turned me on so much. _

_. . . ._

_What about that time we fucked in da back of da car? Your feet touched the roof and my dick was so deep in you, my toes curled._

_. . . ._

_=( . . . Don't you love me anymore?_

(Receives pic and opens)

_Babe that wasn't necessary. Don't seen pics of your angry face. Send me something sexy. I wanna see your ass. _

(Receives pic and opens)

_No, not a donkey. Something HOT._

(Receives pic and opens)

_Ha, ha, ha that's cute. Sending me a pic of fire and shit. I want something nasty and dirty._

(Receives pic and opens)

_Dat's last weeks laundry! Don't be a dick, Ich. Can I get a picture of something below the belt? _

(Receives pic and opens)

_Ichigo why you got a belt over your head. . . . oh. _

_. . . ._

_I want a naked pic! Send me somethin' of you naked! Can I get dat since I'm stuck out here!_

(Receives pic and opens)

_Da fuck is dis? Its dark!_

_. . . _Because I'm trying to sleep! Leave me alone!

_Can't. I'm too horny thinkin' 'bout you._

(Receives pic and opens)

_My lotion bottle?_

Think about me when you use it. G'nite.

_. . . now you're just being a asshole. . . _

* * *

_G'mornin'_

_. . . ._

_Soooo we gonna eat breakfast together or what? _

_. . . ._

_Day four Ichigo. I'm off today. Can you talk nasty to me? Tell me something to get my dick wet._

Go outside and stand in the rain.

_Do better. _

Don't use the umbrella.

_. . . . Nevermind. . . when you gonna forgive me Ichigo?_

_. . . ._

_Babe, I'm serious. What I gotta do to make it better?_

. . .Cook me breakfast. I want everything. Eggs, sausage links, grits, toast, waffles, pancakes, turkey bacon, strawberries, orange juice, the works. Paula Dean that shit.

_Ah damn, Ichigo. You know I can't cook._

I can't forgive you either then. We're both fucked.

_Fuck. . . what channel she comes on?_

=) Channel three twenty seven. Be naked.

_Asshole._

Which is what you'll get when you finish.

_Yeah right._

(Receives pic and opens)

_. . . You want butter or jelly on your toast?_


	4. Wrong Number

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Bleach characters.

**Author's Notes:** I'm glad I could make some of you laugh. That's one of my greatest pleasures.

Ichigo = Ichigo

_Grimmjow = Grimmjow_

_Renji= Renji_

* * *

**Wrong Number**

* * *

_Hey baby, what cha' got on?_

Umm, who is this?

_Its me baby. I had to borrow Renji's phone cuz mine died. Now come on, stop playing. _

Oh, just make sure you erase this. I don't want that fool getting any horny ideas.

_Sure thing sweetheart, now quick playing with Daddy and tell me what ya wearin'_

What do you want me to be wearing?

_Anything that looks good. Send me a picture. _

Of what?

_Your ass. Stick a vibrator in there and have your tongue sticking out._

. . . Da fuq? You want me to what? That's a little wild baby. You don't want something tame? Like me wearing a thong?

_But I'm horny and bored. Don't you wanna satisfy daddy's needs?_

I guess. . . I do love my baby. Lemme see what I can cook up for ya.

_Daddy's happy ;)_

You want something dirty? Or naughty?

_Ohhh let's do dirty. Bend over and smack yer ass for me._

You want me wet?

_Hellz yeah baby. _

Ok, just lemme a minute to get it ready.

. . . .

(Takes pic and sends.)

_(Opens pic and receives) __Shit, baby! You got a fly ass! You have that thing way in there! I love how juicy your ass looks. Oh mercy!_

Lol I know. You kiss it enough to let me know.

_I wish I could kiss it right now, make you feel good._

I want you to make me feel good too. I got you on my mind 24-7.

_You're all I think about when I'm at work._

Only at work?

_Oh no baby, all the time, but especially at work cuz I'm away from your pretty face. _

Damn. . . you're. . . you're real sweet today. I can't wait till you get home. I'm gonna suck your dick until your eyes roll.

_Shit sweetheart that sounds like a dream. You'll lemme cum on your face?_

However you wanna do it. I'm yours.

. . .

. . .

. . .

Grimm?

. . .

_Hey baby, what you doin'?_

? Da fuq? Your phones back on?

_Uh, it was never off. You cooking or we going out tonight? I get off at 6:00 today._

_Wait, aren't you borrowing Renji's phone?_

What? Nah, why?

. . .

. . .

Renji! WTFH You dirty ass bastard!

_Bwhahahahahahaha, oh god I'm dying!_

I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!

_Like I'm scared. ~kissy face~ Nice ass Ichigo!_

Grimmjow, Renji's got a pic of me!

_. . . . He what? How da hell he got dat?_

He told me you had to borrow his phone. He was pretending to be you when I sent it! Please get it!

_What kind of pic?_

Butt ass naked. I got the red vibrator in my ass! The shit's lost in there! We talking bottom of the sea!

_Oh word? Cool, I'll be right back._

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

_(Sends pic)_

(Receives pic)

Thanks G. I'll have dinner ready when you get home. Tell Renji to use a steak for that black eye. =)


	5. Misspelled Intentions

**Author's Notes:** I'm glad I could make some of you laugh. For real, that's the highlight of my days!

Ichigo = Ichigo

_Grimmjow = Grimmjow_

* * *

Misspelled Intentions

* * *

_Baby, why couldn't you stay home with me today? I want ya like you can't believe!_

I know Grimm, I know but the bills gotta be paid somehow. You ain't the only one who's getting green.

_=( I just want to feel your body next ta mines. Shit, it makes no sense how fine you are. I can't get enough._

Don't make me blush at work, G. Orihime's already asking me if we're talking nasty and you know how nosey she is lol.

_Its your fault for leavin' me hangin' this mornin'. You could've ignored the alarm. _

Or I could've gotten fired. Starrk doesn't play that _'I'm gonna be late shit'. _

_I wasn't done licking up your ass though. Ya taste so good. Sucking on your thighs, kissing up to your balls til' ya squirm. Shit, I'm hard. _

Grimm, please don't make me horny. . . I'm trying not to touch myself.

Yes. . .

_Do it. . . and think of me when ya do. Like how you grab my hair and massage my scalp?_

Shit, Grimm.

_Ssss and when you bite your lip when my mouth licks your dick and slowly make my way down to the inbred crack of your ass. I want you so much. _

_. . . ._

_Ichigo?_

_. . ._

_Babe?_

_Da fuq? _

Re-read your last one.

_. . . Ah, shit, Now I'm crackin' up lol. I meant inner crack. Damn. _

XD. I love you babes. I can't breath right now. You totally killed it.

_Can't we start over?_

Hell no, that's like farting in the middle of sex. The fun's over.

_. . . fuck._


	6. Thawed Humor

**Author's Rant:** Sorry guys. I thought I told everyone here that I had military training for two weeks, which explains the lack of updates. But I'm back on schedule now. So enjoy!

Ichigo = Ichigo

_Grimmjow = Grimmjow_

Gin= Gin

* * *

**Thawed Humor**

* * *

_Hey babe, whatcha' doin'?_

Lol I'm work. You really gotta ask?

_Oh, I'm lonely. I miss you._

Awww, I miss you too. I haven't seen you since this morning lol.

_Ha, ha, ha. Anyway, talk nasty to me. I'm bored._

Can't. Gin's sitting next to me and he keeps peeking over my shoulder.

_Tell his ass to beat it like Mike. I'm fuckin' horny! Why ain't he workin'? Nosey ass fuck._

Lmao. Lmao. Babe, ya gotta watch what you say. I just said he was looking over my shoulder.

_Oh yeah? Cool. . . . FUCK YOU GIN!_

That wasn't very nice. Lol he's gone now. He says thanks for the laugh.

_I wasn't playing. _

Whatever lol. You're supposed to save all the 'fuck you's' for me.

_Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Damn, I'd love to fuck you. On the kitchen counter, in the bedroom, in the backseat of the Lexus with your legs out the window._

Damn, Grimm. You got me spread wider then a cheerleader split.

_Cuz I like to see my baby's dick lopping from side to side and your ass wet with my tongue. _

Shit that sounds sexy. Can you do that when I get home? I wanna feel you licking me like you won't ever see it again.

_I'd love to lick, baby. When get you get home? Daddy's waiting. Can you come on your lunch break?_

Damn babes, I wish I could but Starrk got us taking a class and I won't have time to come home and make it back to work.

_Shit. . ._

Sorry. You think you can fix dinner at least? Make it romantic for me? I love you long time.

_Lol lol. I love you long time too. What you in the mood for?_

Hamburger Helper. Take the hamburger meat out of the freezer.

_And put it where? On the counter or in the vagina?_

. . . .Grimm. . . how the hell?

_Refrigerator! I meant refrigerator! Awww shit, this fucking phone!_

. . . I mean shit, it can thaw out in a vagina too, but it'll probably taste better on the counter. Lol Lol Lol. Babe I swear you're gold. I love you! You got me and Orihime dying over here!

_Hey, don't show them dat shit!_

Too late! I'm on a roll. I'm showing the whole office!

. . .

And you wonder why I laugh at your ignorant ass.

_Fuck you, Gin._


	7. Sexy Fool

**Author's Rant: **This was a request for Renji and Byakuya. Just a ONE TIME THING. And it was tough doing. So. . . enjoy.

**_Byakuya = Byakuya_**

_Renji = Renji_

* * *

**Sexy Fool**

* * *

_I like your style, I like your class, but most of all I love your ass._

**_Mmm, go on._**

_You're the finest thing ever known to man kind. Your skin's perfect, your eyes are flawless. And I'd love to use your thighs as earmuffs to keep me warm at night._

**_Lovely. Tell me more._**

_I wish you were a screen door, so I could slam you all day long!_

_**Tempting and sensual. What else do you want to do to me?**_

_Baby, you have no idea what I'd do that body if I had it with me. As long as you have an ass, you'll always have somewhere to sit on me._

**_Anywhere I want?_**

_Anywhere you want. _

**_Tell me what you're thinking about._**

_Me and you, in the back of my car, me between your thick thighs and my tongue sucking on your dick. _

**_You spoil me. I wish you could be here to help me relax._**

_I wish I could too baby. You mean so much to me. __What color briefs are you wearing?_

_**Red and black.** **Your favorite colors.**_

_Ah, baby you couldn't wait until I got home?_

**_I'm not home, love. _**

_Then where are you?_

**_Watching you skip work at Los Noches as if we don't have bills to pay. _**

**_._**_ . . . .Da Fuq?_

_**The fuck indeed. . . So?**_

_. . . babe, I can explain. . . Wait, where you going? Babe don't walk away! Hey! . . . shit. . ._

* * *

_Byakuya it's been three damn weeks! Why haven't you been answering my phone calls?_

_. . ._

_Byakuya! _

_. . . _

_I'm sorry I yelled/text at you. I miss you. . ._

_. . ._

_Byakuya please answer me. Are you still mad about the work skipping thing or because I was with Gin? I keep you telling babe there's nothing going on between us. That time I grabbed his thigh was a total accident. My hand slipped and his thigh just happened to catch it. That picture of Ichigo's ass was a huge mistake! I was just joking around. And that time when Shuuhei sent me a pic of his dick he was drunk, I swear!_

**_. . .I didn't know about any of that._**

_Oh shit. . ._

**_But you're free to keep digging that hole you're in. _**

_I'll sleep on the floor tonight. _

* * *

_Byakuyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I miss you baby! Quit playin' around. I need your ass like a hobo needs deodorant! _

**_. . . _**

_B? Baby, I bought you a car, a new suit, some cologne, cooked breakfast, cleaned the house and all kinds of expensive shit. . . You haven't been talking to Ichigo have you? _

_. . ._

_Is your phone even working?_

**_My apologies. I left my phone at home somewhere._**

_Damn for real? Kay, let me know when you find it. _

_. . ._

_. . ._

_. . ._

_ . . ._

_ . . ._

_You find it yet? _

**_No. _**

_Shit, lemme know when you do._

**_Smh._**

* * *

**TBC: ~Sighs~ Lemme know if you liked it. This was a struggle. **


	8. Accidents Happen

I cannot believe you!

_It was a fuckin' accident, Ichigo! How many times I gotta beg before you forgive me?_

Your hand accidentally fell right on Gin's ass at the party? Do better, G.

_Oh, so it was fine for you ta' sit on Renji's lap?_

I fell on his lap, Grimmjow. There's a difference between sitting and falling. I tripped on the tablecloth.

_So you magically tripped five-fucking-feet across the room and on Renji's crotch? _

Did you mean to slap Rangiku's titty?

_Did you mean to twerk against Shuhei? Where da' hell ya learned that shit anyway? If yer ass is bouncing that bunch, we need ta' hit the gym ASAP._

Oh, so it's all fine and good when Orihime's rubbing her jiggy jugs on your back, right?

_Psst, whatever._

Whatever then, shit.

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

_Ichigo?_

What?

_You still mad?_

A little bit. . .

_Can we stop texting in the bedroom now? I'm horny._

You gotta apologize to me.

_How?_

Suck my fingers.

_OK?_

And my dick.

_No problem_.

And let me fuck you.

_. . . . I ain't that horny. G'nite._


	9. Hungry Much?

**Author's Rant:** ~sneezes~ Yeah, so. I think my funny bone is about to snap. Don't wanna mess up a good thing while I'm ahead.

* * *

**Hungry Much?**

* * *

I miss you sooooo much baby. Why'd you have to leave me?

_Cuz somebody's gotta help pay these bills. And I miss you too, Ichi._

=.(

_I know baby, I know. I hate this trip already. Renji's gettin' on my nerves, whining about Byakuya not givin' him any booty. And I'm gonna miss seeing those maple sweet eyes in the mornings._

Awww, you so sweet. No pun intended either lol.

_. . .Anyway. . . My beef is gonna feel real empty without you._

. . . .

_Bed! Bed! Not Beef! Hey don't do that, I caught it before you did!_

LMAFO Bullshit, I already saved it.

_Don't do that shit, Ichi. Damn, it's cuz I miss you. The auto correct's just being a bitch._

No, those are just your fat fingers unable to press the buttons. Hungry much?

_LMAFO whatever_

* * *

**TBC: Yeah, it might be time to wrap this up. ^_^**


	10. Yeah, Dumbass

**Author's Rant:** Last one and it's sweet and fluffy! ^_^

_Grimmjow = Grimmjow_

Ichigo = Ichigo

_Renji = Renji_

* * *

**Yeah, Dumbass**

* * *

_The happiest moment in my life was hearing you murmured my name in your sleep._

_My life didn't begin with you. . . but I wish for my life to end with you._

_The best relationship in da world is when you hold da hand of da person you love and that person walks with you without asking, where and why._

_Not much is simple in this world, but you make me happy. Dat is simple to me._

_You don't know how happy you make me. You don't know how many times you've brightened my day. You don't know how much you being there means to me._

_I love you Ichigo Kurosaki. From the bottom of my heart I love you so much it hurts to think about a life without you in it. My heart beats for you and only you. If you were to walk out of my life, I don't think I'd be able to keep breathing. And that's some real shit. _

_So, since I'm so far away and you have my heart chained in your grasp, I hate to ask you this through text but, will you marry me? Will you be my, Mr. Ichigo Kurosaki-Jeagerjaques?_

_. . . ._

_. . . ._

_. . . ._

_Babe?_

_You mean that shit, Grimm?_

_Hellz yeah. I'm puttin' my ass out there, for a yes or no. Got me sweatin' and shakin' like a leaf. I even proofread this shit Lol. I promise I'm gonna to ask you properly when I come home from this trip, but I can't wait anymore. I gotta know babes. You wanna be mine for life or what?_

. . .

. . .

_Damn. . . that's some fuck shit right there._ _Hold on lemme get Ichigo._

_Wait, who da fuck is this?_

_Renji. Hold up, I got somethin' in my eye. _

_Mannn fuck! Why da hell you got Ichigo's phone!? You know how long it took for me to get this shit right? I'm a nervous wreck! FUCK, RENJI!_

_Hey, hey none of that! You ain't got any business yell-textin' me while I'm emotional and shit. That got me in my heart. I felt like that shit was for me._

_Fuck you, oh my god, Renji, I fuckin' hate you man! How the hell am I supposed to tell Ichigo now? You are a damn fool!_

_. . ._

_. . ._

Yeah babe.

_Yeah, what motherfucka? Yeah my ass, you cock suckin' bitch. On my life, dude I swear I'm gonna fuck you up when I get home. You just ruined everything! _

Well. . . well shit. That ain't anyway to talk to your fiancée.

_Renji stop fuckin' playin' with me!_

This ain't Renji, stupid! It's Ichigo! Renji's fool self is chucking it up in the breakroom. I read your texts.

_. . . Ah shit. Babe, I'm sorry. This was done all wrong. I'm so fucked right now, damn._

Lol whatever, just get your ass home so we can do this shit right. No more sexting, texting or whatever this shit is. I wanna see my man up close and personal.

_So. . . that's a yes? You'll marry me?_

Yeah, dumbass. I'll marry you.

_OH BABE, YOU SERIOUS?_

Nah, for play-play, yeah I'm serious. I love your stupid ass LOL.

_Oh fuck, oh shit, oh damn, my stomach hurts. I swear babe, I thought you were gonna say no. . . shit, I'm so happy right now. You made me so happy!_

Lol crazy ass. . . I love you, Grimmjow.

_I love you too Igloo._

_I love you too Carly. _

_I love you too Ice Cream. _

_FUCKIN' AUTO CORRECT! I love you I.C.H.I.G.O.!_

LMAO! I'm dying! Babe you're the greatest.

**^_^ The End ^_^**

* * *

**TBC: Yeah, guys I think I'm gonna wrap it up here. I don't wanna stretch it for too long and it ends up being a bore. So thank you so very much for enjoying these ten chapters. To all the silent readers, reviewers, favs and alerts.,you're all great. Until next time! **


End file.
